It’s currently 9:30 pm in the central time zone of the United States and I find myself realizing that it has nearly been an entire week since I have stated my opinion on anything remoting to or referring to the cinema. There’s a lot of reasons as to why, and fair warning: this is going to be a more personal kind of editorial than most. So, expect this article to be filled with far too much personal information than it should, and expect some political discourse. To place this in perspective for the average reader, this article is not going to be about movies. This one's for me and no one else. My cathartic expressionism as to why I have been absent from the ever-expanding interwebs of the world, and why I am returning to its ever demanding grasp.
So, when sitting down to write this editorial around three hours ago, I struggled to find a starting point for this story of sorts. Do I speak in chronological order, or do I merely dive into the thick of things and just rant on to my soul's desire? Either way this is going to be a prolonged use of words and grammar that expresses my reasons for minimal absence. I decided to break this down into genres of reasoning in the sense of categories. Three categories specifically in that of fiscal, emotional, and the critical thinking tools that dissect my future. I have a lot to say that needs to be said, for my own sake. I apologize ahead of time if any of this is bothersome to you, or not resonating to your liking, but this one isn’t for the reader necessarily, it's more for the writer behind the screen that you find yourself scrolling upon.
Fiscally speaking, or financially speaking for those of you who aren’t as word savvy as others, my life has become a twisted twirl of welcomed responsibility. I am currently employed at the Alamo Drafthouse here in my hometown of Lubbock, go figure right? Nonetheless, the employment that I find myself in is both exciting and frustrating.
On the one hand, I am working close to what I love and learning more about how the art that drives me can market and promote itself at a specific theatre chain. On the other hand, I am determining just how vexing it is to see various amounts of people walk into a place you love and watch a movie you like, and wipe their dog shit ridden shoes all over its metaphorically well-fabricated carpet. It’s almost conflicted my opinions on the average moviegoer, as to where I am exposed to so much mediocrity that it confounds my view of the average film watcher to those few members of the demographical audience in my old-fashioned hometown. I merely want to argue that the average movie lover is at a theatre to watch a movie they are excited for, but in all actuality, they could care less what’s on the screen as long as something is on the screen.
Yes, that is an incredibly cynical skewed view of the audience. But, when you are continually exposed to the worst of audience members on a daily basis, your opinion of them begins to become skewed in a way that is both unreasonable and generalized. Because of that constant barrage of frustration, my desire for more financial responsibility as a growing adult becomes challenged by my lack of enjoyment for my current occupation. I am twenty-one years old, and as someone who's still residing with their parents, I am aspiring to take off more of the weight of their financial responsibilities as well as move towards complete independence. How this ties into my absence is both in the sense of increment of hours to become more fiscally reliable and independent, and that of growing anxiety from working at a job that showcases the branch of connection between myself and the artists behind my favorite medium of artwork. It’s complicated, and perhaps I am nothing more than an overgrown crybaby, but I can’t help how I feel sometimes, and at other times maybe I could try harder.
Secondly, emotionally speaking, I am in a tight spot. I won’t dive too far into my drama of life, but I will reveal just enough to gain a peek behind the curtain for some sheer perspective of my emotional conflicts. I am someone that struggles with guilt which leads to massive doses of depression. I have attempted suicide before, and I luckily have learned to express myself to those closest to me so that I don’t bury myself underneath pounds of guilt and self-loathing to the point of overwhelming pain. Pain to where it feels like the only solution is to cut a hole large enough that it will escape through my veins and into the ether of the world. Seeing how human anatomy isn’t built in that structural fashion, I fight that feeling and use those around me and the tools of writing and movies to allow for escapism and self-appreciation.
Moving on from the depressing side of the neighborhood, this emotional conflict that I maintain leads to me struggling with some overwhelming family drama that has begun to plague my everyday life. This is not only tiresome but obviously bothersome. Add in the political issues of gun control, the anti-LGBTQ bill in Georgia, and the constant barrage of individualized hate filled bubbled forms of news that consume my news feeds on social media and my personal derailment begins to take place. I haven’t always been so involved in the world, but with growing age comes growing responsibility. Because of that, I have gained the perspective that no matter what side of any issue you stand upon, make sure that your reasoning is informed, researchable, and approachable. Since a lot of the groups that surround me don’t believe in those qualifiers for their respective beliefs about the United States’ socio-political climate, the frustrations continue to build.
Take these frustrations and begin grinding them in combination with the stressful thinking as to what paths I need to be taking to pursue the goals of my future, and you have a recipe for someone that needs a break from the world for a bit. So, I did just that. I delved into content and ignored the world. I buried my hand in the sand. I hid and ran away. Whichever way you wish to spin it, I took time to recharge my battery. I had a lot to break down and a lot to consider in that of my academical future and whether it's legitimately necessary for my success, the future of this site, and the future of my well being. I took a lot of time and a LOT of rest. I gained some perspective, got some advice, and am continuing some research for some decision making. The point is that I am beginning to move forward, which leads me to how all of this rambling mumbo jumbo relates to the site you find yourself scrolling upon.
What this means in a lot of ways is that you as a reader can expect a lot more content. I have freed up a bunch of time in my life, and replacing that time will be content. Expect some daily news topics, especially tomorrow in which I’ll be doing a news roundup for the week. Expect weekly box office rants starting every Monday (Tuesdays for four day weekends). Expect more movie reviews for current movies, the superhero series, and more editorial content discussing subjects that are hopefully incredibly fascinating. You can expect all of this and more because I have decided to roll on black, to bet on myself, I have decided to go all in on my own accord.
Hopefully, it all works out. Hopefully, it soars past expectations. I won’t know until I try, and trying is half the battle. I can’t say that this is my last absence because I cannot predict the twists and turns of the future. I will tell you that I will be in Los Angeles during spring break, so expect some exciting content is coming your way. There’s a lot of pain I needed to sort out, a lot of stress that I needed to relax, and a lot of time that I needed to take for myself. This article may be more cathartic for me than anyone else, but the ending of it is for all of those who choose to spend their time reading my words on a screen of code. I appreciate you more than you will ever know, I can only hope to surprise you and delight you with more content to come.